I recently spoke to a long time friend of mine. He commented on my blog. Actually his words were, "You have a weird blog, you know that?" I just laughed. He's known me since Jr high, I figured he would know better than anyone how my mind works. But apparently I needed to clarify a few things. I know I'm very good at making blank statements without explaining where they came from. So here you go...
Needles. The needles bit is not some new kinky sex thing I'm into. While needle play could be fun, this instance I was in a doctor's office and was getting a biopsy done. There was nothing kinky or sexy about it. The medication I took beforehand was suppose to relax me. Instead, I felt myself being mentally pulled down and I held onto the one thing that would keep me from slipping completely, anger. I guess it goes to show you how big of a control freak I can be. There is a reason I rarely drink and have never done drugs. I need to have control of my body and emotions at all times.
Which brings me to a subject I've been thinking about a lot. Being a switch. Some would suggest I can't make up my mind, or rather that I have no clue as to what I want. I look at it as being greedy. Why choose between one or the other when you can have both?
For a good part of my life I have been able to say this is what I want and have been lucky enough to have a husband that is happy to let me have my way. He is happy as long as I am happy. Lucky me! By all means, I do not have a fantasy life, but I do have the kind of marriage I want, control over the house, drive the car I want, etc. Again within reason.
Now that Oso has entered my life, I have been able to explore the flip side of things. While I never feel weak with him, I do feel less in control. It's the trust we have built that allows me to let go, and his presence has me obeying his commands without thought to my own wants. I act submissive around him, but I would hardly call myself "a submissive". I do not have a deep need to turn myself completely over to another's direction. But it is nice to have that break now and again.
I hope to be posting on a regular basis. I've missed writing. I am trying to find the balance to get it back into my life.
Be good to you.
S
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6 comments:
Good to have you back too.. smiles. I've missed your writing.
I understand completely about being a switch...and have learnt there's nothing wrong with being greedy. Interestingly, its something I've been meaning to write about for a while now...how I find that both mindsets in some ways reinforce the other.
Though our old site is still open, I've moved to a private blog at least for now because of some difficulties we've been having. Hopefully your invite to it has reached you.
love and hugs xxx
It will be interesting to see what happens when I decide it is time for you to submitt completely.
M:e, I have received your invite. I hope to get the links up and running soon. I've missed reading you as well. Greed works for me, however, I don't think it's ever all about me. Others benefit from my vice. Be good to you.
S
Oso,
I'm happy to follow you. You have my trust.
S
oh greed has to work for all concerned lovely lady, or there's no fun and pleasure in it. It took me a while to feel comfortable with being greedy, but whichever side of the 'switch' is to the fore, both seem to take delight in my craving their pleasure and my own.
xxx
sorry... M:e again. Forgot to say, no need to update the link. I'm going to keep the old site open for less personal stuff. G and I are just taking a little time out from there for things to settle down. The other site is 'by invite only' so most wouldn't be able to use the link if it was there.
xxx
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