Secrets

It is my nature to be secretive. Know more about others than they know about me. It works for me. Well, up to a point anyway. I've once again found myself disconnected after I had thought I was making progress. It seems I have not been sharing enough of myself. Damn those secrets. The sad thing is that they really aren't deep dark secrets, well maybe some of them are. The majority are not. So bare with me while I purge a bit and see what I can get off my chest.

A family friend was murdered a while back. A young kid, just 20. I've had crazy mixed feelings about it. As I've only met him once. I knew his father better as he and my father in-law have been long time friends. I realize people deal with grief differently, but I was confused about my reaction to the news. Some people blew it off, since I didn't know the kid that well, I shouldn't be too bothered. Others, I've found like to feed off the drama. They wanted to get inside details and gossip about it. I didn't see it as a situation for me to get attention, I just didn't understand my feelings about what had happened. I was very sad. Sadder than I thought I should be. I found my answers at the funeral, were I learned about the boy I had met years ago and what kind of man he was becoming. My thoughts were profoundly changed that day. I think my sadness was what I needed in order to hear what was being said. Simply put, a little pain to learn the lesson. Hm, where have I seen that before?

My close friend is going through a divorce. She found her hubby had been cheating. This one has hit me close to home, as I am technically the 'other woman' myself. I am not having guilt about Oso's and my relationship, however guilt between my friend and I, as she does not know about my poly relationship. Is it something I'm ashamed of? No. However I know that it's not a situation that is easily accepted and usually judged harshly, and I don't care to spend my time defending or explaining. Some day I may share that information with her, but now is not the time. I just hope to help her any way I can, and just keep my feelings to myself. Ok, so it's a semi purge in this case.

I have high expectations for this spring summer for myself and my family. We've fallen off track in one way or another and there is a lot of stress in the house. It's time to get everyone back in line and functioning as a semi normal family. I am excited by this challenge and sometimes overwhelmed, but I am getting in the habit of reaching out and asking for help when I feel I need it.

Thank the gods sex has come back into my life! It has been hard to be in the mood or enjoy some quiet time to myself. So I try to do some yoga. Swear that the extremely bendy bitch on tv, but it's helping me sleep and get my libido back. YEAH SEX!!!! More please. I'm created some new fantasies and bought some new batteries, so I'm good to go. Hopefully I will be finding some time to write about them.

We had a crazy St Patrick's Day party. Hubby took a shovel to the back yard and we now are proud owners of a barely legal fire pit. Hey, it isn't a party if something isn't burning. Oh and if you find any video on u Tube with a poor girl on her knees drinking something that looks nasty green, that would be our party. She won the bet. Don't worry, it was cold soup and she said it wasn't too bad. 20 pounds of corned beef, 90 jello shots and I don't know how many cases of beer later...everyone had a good time. Can't wait to do it again this summer.

I've come to accept something about myself that I loathe. I am no longer the multi-tasker that I once was, or thought I was. While I realize it's not realistic to expect someone to be able to cover everything at all times, I liked that illusion. Now it seems I'm lucky to be able to accomplish one or two simple tasks a day. I'm sure it has to do with pushing for balance in my life and once again slowing down. So as hard as it is, I am trying to accept this about myself and give myself a little forgiveness when I fall sort of my expectations. I know I need this balance if I'm to function like a semi healthy adult.

I'm sure there will be more purging in future posts, but this seems to be enough for now. I hope to be back soon with something a bit more fun to read. Be good to yourselves.

S