Reality Check

I received a virtual tap on the shoulder the other day and it's made me perform a brutal reality check. My ex-girlfriend, whom I'm written about once or twice; years ago; wants contact again. If you know the posts, you will understand why this was not a pleasant surprise for me.

I know that over the years I have changed a lot. For one thing, I'm a much happier person. I'm stronger and more determined. I am healthier. I finally have great hair! I'm more adventurous. I'm smarter and maybe slightly more forgiving. I said slightly. At my core, I am still 'S'.

For better or worse, I am still too blunt with my thoughts and words. My sarcastic humor is firmly intact. I am slow to trust and insanely difficult to pin down. I will still make the hard choices and not apologize for doing so. I do not do things half way. I am still very passionate about my feelings.

During our time together she's referred to me as the Queen of Hemorrhoids, suggested that I see 'the wizard' for a heart and on numerous occasions asked me if I told her what I really thought, sarcastically of course. She was the first one to call me S. That one has stuck me. I suppose the crown has as well. Sometimes I enjoy being a royal pain in the ass. It keeps everyone on their toes.

Without going into too many details, things ended badly for us. It can be so ugly when women fight and hindsight is 20/20. I left. I did not want to be another 'monster' in her life. I walked away and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I did it for her and I did it out of love. And I know, she never saw it that way.

So now, I have to wonder, can there really be a different outcome? Will one smart ass comment from me turn her running and screaming from my sight, or worse, make her want to go at my throat again? Apparently she's spent a lot of time thinking about strangling me. Oso says it's a given.

Is it better to keep someone you love, at arms length so you can still love them? Do you risk all sanity and hope that the timing is better this time? How do you trust someone that you feel never understood you? Would going through this give either one of us any benefits?

S