Saturday, June 11, 2005

Hit me baby...one more time

S, you were right. I wasn’t over her or at least not completely void of feelings about our relationship. I hate it when you are right. I love you for saying it. Kisses.

It is the middle of the night and I should be warm in bed, next to M. Instead I am sitting in front of the computer, in a robe, with my feet on the cold cement…purging myself. Hopefully for the last fucking time.

K, if you read this, it will hurt. But I do this for me now, as you are no longer under my protection.

I fell in love a few years back. I fell deeply in love with K. Without going into all the horrid details, our relationship fell apart. Trust, on both sides, was our undoing. She could not comprehend or trust in what I was offering her. And I stopped believing she was telling me the truth about anything. I walked away from it all over two years ago. I didn’t do it for me. I did it for her. (She never realized that. She thought I saved myself). She had a life full of monsters and I was just adding to her pain. One day she asked if we could continue with just a friendship and I replied hurtfully, “I’d rather not”.

Recently we’ve been in contact again. I told her about the blog, as I take care of those I write about. She said she was fine with it. A couple of days ago, she thanked me for opening her eyes to the situation. She said she realized that I really never loved her as I’ve reduced our love making to porn on the internet for perverts to get off on. That I demean our relationship by writing about it and sharing it with others. At the same time…it does make her hot that I mention her. What the hell?

The following is the real entry I wrote for 6/8. This is in the heat of sending private e-mails back and forth. I did not send it to her. I used it to vent, so I could think straight and respond with some sort of control. My mind was screaming at me…

Stupid dumb fucking bitch!

FUCK! How the hell do I get it through and stick in that empty head of yours. How could you have EVER LOVED me…EVER LOVED ME…if you don’t even UNDERSTAND ME!!! Shit, you would think by now you would at least have a small fucking clue!

Can you feel my glare…do you sense my eyes and the heat of my anger. I want to grab you by the hair and punish your body until you are a wet mess on the floor. Shit!! In saying so it makes me just like the other monsters you’ve had in your life…stupid unworthy assholes. And honey…YOU KNOW I’m like no one you’ve ever met.

Do you understand what my EVERYTHING is?? DO YOU HAVE A CLUE ABOUT WHAT THAT ENTAILS?? My body, soul and life? The passion, power and restraint? My husband, my xxxxxxxx, my home? My thoughts, desires, and deepest prayers? Do you fucking get it?? Do you understand what it means to be MINE?? Do you not see what a gift it is?? Do you know how deep this goes?? The intensity?? Crap woman…how the hell could you miss it??

Do you know what this anger hides? Why this rage is so violent? I will tell you. I have given the most precious thing I have…me…vulnerable me. You said you understood the value and the special ness of my gift. That is was safe in your hands. And you still think of it as the same as fucking everyone else’s. It is MORE…it is BETTER…it is ME.

I don’t know why this is so upsetting. It’s been like this for us from the start. I wanted something so bad, that I fooled myself into believing I could have it. Shame on me.

Stupid, dumb, fucking bitch!

Since then I’ve pulled my heart out and have examined it. I have carefully cut out the rest of my feelings for K. This is the only way I know how to eliminate the power she has over me. She has misunderstood me from day one. She does not see me for who I really am and I’m tired of being hurt by that fact. She no longer has the right to cause me pain.

The only other edit I would make would be my comment to sensualmale. “Honey, you already have two. I can’t stand California. I was just trying to retract my claws.”

Now that I’ve beat this subject to its rightful place…I can truly move on. I will crawl back to bed and make love to M. I will heal my heart and be fit to play next time we meet.

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