My Body, My Mind

My body is trying to rebel, but my mind has it restrained. I have pushed myself physically to satisfy my mental demands.

My legs spread wide and my head bent down low. I hold this position for several minutes. My hands touching the cold, wet ground. The wind picks up and sucks the heat from my body. The backs of my thighs are begging for release from my rigid pose. My fingers sting from the lack of warmth. I push on.

I alternate poses from doubled over to a low squat. My ass is beginning to burn and my shoulders tied in knots. I stretch backwards and wide to ease the muscles, but the motions do not provide any relief.

My body begins to complain and it awakes my mind. I will not give up and seek warmth. I will not allow myself to find a more comfortable stance. I am not finish with my task. My body has no choice but to work through the pain.

I have lost all feeling in my digits and my thighs are shaking. My body begs to be let go, but my mind mandates otherwise. I begin to fixate on the pain. I rolled it around in my head, like you would with wine on your tongue. Savoring the sweet agony. I crave more. I begin to stretch my legs further apart. I deepen my squats. My body is completely chilled. My only warmth is the burn of my muscles.

I feel omnipotent when I accept and then start to welcome the pain. The intense control and focus of my mind has over my very existence is addicting. HARDER. MORE. AGAIN. I’m always pushing to find my limit. It reminds me that I’m alive.

Now my task is finished. I allow my body the release it has begged for. M draws a hot bath for me and turns down the light. I close the shower curtain and let the water envelop me. More heat, my body pleads. I turn the faucet handle. I have oiled the water and the scent of sesame fills my nostrils. My muscles start to unwind. My skin is turning pink and I adjust the faucet again. Hotter. Even now, I continue to push the limits. I turn off the water and curl my head forward, resting it on cool side of the tub. I start to breathe. Slowly. Inhale. Exhale. Release. Repeat. I listen to my body as it cries to me about the abuse. I gradually start to massage my legs. My calves and thighs are now slick with oil and are relaxing with the heat of the water. I lie back and just soak.