Ouch, my head hurts

I have been having health problems for several months now. Nothing serious. I just haven't been feeling myself. I've done all the testing and doctor visits and the diagnosis was, fix your head and your body will follow. Crap.



I am the type of person that lives in their head, mentally working on something all the time. Whether it's making grocery lists, planning a party or figuring out what I need to have done in the next few weeks, my brain is never quiet. Now I have another job...figure out what's wrong with me mentally, what is in my head that is causing all these physical symptoms.



The easy way out is to say I have a mild form of depression and take some pills. It works for tons of people all the time. Another way is to figure out why. Since I'm not a pill taker, I have had a lot of work to do.



First, I realized I was bored. We had come out of a long, cold winter and while I have many hobbies, nothing was holding my interest. Spring and summer have taken care of that problem. You will find me most days out in my garden first thing in the morning. I find serenity listening to the birds find seed in the feeders and the quietness of the hour. I feel a sense of accomplishment when the weeds pile up and I can bring in a bucket of picked vegetables to the sink. I love the smell and feel of cool soil newly dug and the soft glow of the rising sun. We have also decided to focus on several home improvements and it is exciting to see all the changes taking place. I think it's safe to say, boredom isn't really an issue any more.



Second, I found that I had been holding onto several toxic relationships. This one seemed like a no brainer at first, but then I realized, most of us do it from time to time. I still don't understand why we do it. One relationship was ended by the other person, K. We've always had a tumultuous friendship. Too much bad history, no trust, silly to think it would be better this time around. She decided that I wasn't a good friend and told me she deserved better and not to contact her again. Ok. Easy.



A second relationship has been much more difficult. It involves a neighbor and surrounding neighbors. We use to be a close nit group. Things have changed over the last year and I finally realized that I had been holding onto a friendship that was overwhelming and draining. This person was an emotional vampire, sucking the life from you and offering nothing in return. I decided that I no longer wanted to look the other way and continue ignoring all the problems. I was getting nothing but headaches from this connection, and I had no desire to fix it. So I called it quits. It has the rest of the neighbors all gossiping, trying to figure out what happened, but I try to stay out of it. I have no need to explain it to everyone. I have no wish to bring this person any pain through talking behind their back. I'm just done.



The third relationship is with my family. It's always harder, for me, when dealing with relatives. I grew up with an 'ideal' image of what family should be and in reality had something so distant that I have a hard time putting my head around the concept. I think it's safe to say I am the black sheep of the family and it has it's good points and bad points. The good is that I like who I am. I enjoy my life. I feel very fortunate in many ways. The bad is that I'm so different in so many ways, it's hard to communicate and relate to these people who are suppose to mean the most to me.



My sister told me that our relationship was in sad shape and that she often felt like she didn't have a sister at all. I don't doubt that for a minute. She is absolutely right. She and I rarely talk. She's told me how I have hurt her in the past and I apologized as that was never my intent, but made it clear to her that I'm not interested in being judged or defending every decision I've made. We are working from there.



As for my parents, I realized that if I stop thinking of them as my parents and just look at them as people trying to figure out their own lives, it's easier. It really doesn't make us closer, as I doubt I would have a relationship with them if they weren't my family, but it does make visiting a little more pleasant. Sometimes you have to look for the best compromise.



There are a few other things I've been working on, mostly consisting of balancing my life. I have a feeling that work will never be done, but that's ok.